I had a hot date on Monday night. Now, don’t go getting too excited. I plan on detailing my reintroduction into the single life in my mid-thirties in a future bestselling book. But until then, it will not be discussed too much on this blog. Besides, I have lots more research to do. So this hot date to which I am referring means that I spent the night on my own. Sad to say, it was the first evening in quite a while in which I had done so. I work most evenings and on the evenings in which I don’t work, I have amazing friends that I want to be around. I’m a bit of a social butterfly so if you give me the option of hanging out, I will most likely take that option. Life is short; you can sleep when you’re dead, etc, etc.
But there was a conversation that occurred last week that made me step back a little bit. I was bartending at the wine bar and I was talking to one of the regulars about opening the bar on Thanksgiving. I told him that I didn’t really like to take nights off of work.
“Why is that?” he asked me.
It was a simple enough question with a simple enough answer. I work a lot because I need the money. I just spent a month in Costa Rica and so now I need to make hay while the sun shines. So if someone asks me to pick up a shift, I do it without a second thought. But it was something in the way that this man looked at me when he asked me this question that made me step back a bit. I started to think about when I had last had an evening on my own and it seemed like it was sometime when the muggy air of summer still hung heavy in the sky. Now it’s December.
I planned on having this evening on Saturday night. And then, of course, I got called in desperation to bartend at the restaurant before a country concert. It was the exact opposite of relaxation. We went through a keg of Bud Light in under two hours. In my second-ever bartending shift, I had a full bar and the printer kept spitting out tickets that said “Watermelon Martini” or “Frozen Wildberry Margarita” or “Blackberry Peach Sangria Pitcher.” I literally almost cried and left the bar. So long story short…hot date rescheduled for Monday night.
My plan was to make myself a nice dinner using the recipe book that’s been gathering dust. Maybe a nice bottle of wine, some slow tunes to which I would sing along to. And definitely a chick flick. It didn’t really go as planned—because Sunday night was the holiday party for the wine bar. And you might be able to guess this but there was a lot of really good wine served at this party. And there was a karaoke machine which required drinking more of this wine in order to sing in front of a small crowd of people. So instead of cooking, I went for fast food. So sue me.
But for the first time in a very long time, I spent the entire evening by myself. I resisted the urge to run over to a friend’s house or my parent’s house. It’s not that I can’t spend time on my own. I’m an only child so I’m a bit wired towards solidarity and due to my wacky schedule, I have most days on my own for writing, yoga, etc and I relish those days. But it’s something about the evenings that stretch long with people making plans for dinner—I want to be included and invited. I want to share laughter and deep conversation. And I feel so fortunate that I am surrounded by so many great people who make those moments happen when I have a night off.
My mom often asks me if I’m lonely. And it’s a strange question. Being single is still relatively new to me. Do I miss having someone who I can share every part of my life with? Maybe…Do most women feel like they have that in their relationships? Maybe not. What I do have now is a very full life and wonderful friends and jobs that give me all the social interaction I can handle in a given evening.
So maybe dating in the entire sense of the word is not something that I am ready for yet. I am embracing this new single life of mine. After all, it took me months to just find time for a dinner/movie date with myself. And I couldn’t even do the cooking. Bottom line: you’re just going to have to wait a while for that book to come out. But not to worry….I am taking notes.
I couldn’t agree more with your comment that sometimes in a relationship you are still alone. I heard an interesting quote from Dr. Oz the other day. He said that women do not want you to fix things , they want you to feel things, which to me is it in a nutshell. I am so very proud of you for being strong but sometimes we all have those moments that wevdon’t feel that way. I am sure that you know that you would have been welcome to come over but maybe you needed that time but there is always a place for you here💗