Archive for April, 2019

So yeah, I wrote a book. And then I stopped writing.   I suppose I felt like I needed a break. And there was something else…if I wasn’t writing a book, if I didn’t have an end goal, then what was the point? It’s a question I’ve been getting asked a ton—‘what’s your next book going to be?’ I know this question comes from a good place, from people enjoying “The Intimacy Interviews” and wanting to read more of my words; I always answered that I was still trying to digest the first one. I was…and I am. But perhaps it goes a little deeper. I was happy; I had just written and published a book goshdarnit. And I was dating a really great guy whom I felt very settled and secure with. I don’t tend to write much when I am happy, settled and secure. I write when I’m feeling confused, putting words to paper or screen tends to help me work stuff out in my head.

Can you guess where this is going? Yep, I got dumped. It’s a long story but the bottom line is that it’s not me, it’s him. I had expressed a fear to him that one day he would wake up and realize that he didn’t want me in his life. Weeks later, that feels like what happened. I’ve had a lot of days and evenings of tears, of replaying events over and over in my head….some of this accompanied by wine.

So there I was, drinking wine and feeling sorry for myself and I was searching Expedia for flights to LA. I had a friend who had planned a trip there and invited me to share her room. I bought the ticket. And then made sure that I booked it correctly the next morning, because, well, wine.

I then booked another session I had with the healer that I saw the last time I had visited. Prior to my appointment with her, my friend and I had an early dinner and I was that person who was crying in public. I’m not usually that person. Especially not at a hip and trendy restaurant in LA where all the beautiful people were putting on their best displays. But alas. Kimber and I had barely gotten past our hellos when the tears started again. I’m like a freakin’ faucet—-when I start crying, I can’t turn them off.

Kimber did an akashic reading with me. If you haven’t read my book (and why not?), it’s a little hard to describe what this is but basically, Kimber channels all of the angels and guides who have been with me on my soul’s journey. And then I ask them wtf I am supposed to do. Regarding this ol’ heartbreak of mine, they told me that this evisceration I’m feeling in my heart is a beautiful thing. Oh, really? Screw you, spirit guides. It certainly doesn’t feel like that. It feels like there is an elephant standing on my chest; that’s how I’ve been describing it to others. Kimber reassured me that this is just what needs to happen; it’s the heart cracking open and the walls breaking down.

I wrote about this in the book, how every relationship is a portal to an important lesson, that pain felt is healing in the making…..and suffering, if moved through with respect to all the emotions involved, is growth. In the past couple of weeks, I have wanted to throw something at the chick who wrote that. None of this felt beautiful and I’ve grown quite enough, thank you very much.

However, I’m getting to that point. It comes in spurts, ones that grow in duration just a little bit more every day. I’m sure there will be more of the sadness and self-pity and fruitless replays. Heck, maybe there will be another wine-fueled last minute trip (anyone else booking a great vacay and want to share their bed with me?).

It occurred to me that a lot of my pain came from the deep discomfort, of not knowing ‘the end’. And that it was much like how I hadn’t been writing if it wasn’t attached to an end goal. Patience has never been my virtue and I’m constantly wanting some sort of crystal ball to see what the other side looks like….what lies on the other side of this good ol’ heart shredding? What is my next project going to be? Who knows…..but I’m going to start writing again anyway.

But what about this so-called beautiful evisceration?   As I began to write this piece, it hit me that my favorite deity is Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. He just so happens to be an elephant. So I guess I’m OK with him standing on my chest for a little while longer.

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